I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
