yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
She needs sedatives and a leash
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
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