I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
