mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
