New invention idea: vibrating tampons
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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