I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
