She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
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