if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
You may now shotgun with the bride
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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