I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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