I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
