I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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