Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
