chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
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