He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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