Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Randomize
