1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
