what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize