the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
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