He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
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