i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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