A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
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