After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
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