Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
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