If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
