I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
Randomize
