Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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