i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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