a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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