we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
