There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
