he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
