it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I think you can do her, she seemed pretty set for revenge the second time her boyfrind high fives her in the face.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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