3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
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