I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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