Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
your tears are not going to buy me drinks...
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
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