my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
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