I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
