Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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