Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
He lets me throw up in him even if i do it mistakeily- erica talking about the toilet
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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