the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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