My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
