Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Randomize
