rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
