I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
He did a backflip because drugs
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