I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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