How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
