Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
she smelled like a LAN party
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
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