I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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