you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
