p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
