i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Randomize
