this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
