Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
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