Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
