I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
