your parents love me but you hate me
it was average length and chubby
so kinda like him?
now i'm wondering if all guys are shaped like their penis...
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
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