Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
