I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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