mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
